Why Lord,
Why Me?
by David Green
How often do we think this thought? When we struggle through hard times and the loss of loved ones, so often we tend to question God and His purpose. As a new member of the His Way Ministries staff, I feel led to follow up on Lauri's article last month on providence and perseverance and provide my own testimony. Often we get so wrapped up in the day to day living that we miss much of God's divine purpose in our lives. Sometimes we feel that God only works through wonderful and miraculous events in someone else's life. I know this has been true for me. I have been raised in the church and have been taught how God cares personally for each and every one of us. Throughout my life I have had so many saints, including my mother, whose walk with God has modeled His love for us. That is not to say that these wonderful people were perfect, but that they always sought God, and in their struggles demonstrated perseverance and God's providence. Yet so many times I have found myself asking the question, “Why Lord, why me?”
Over the past six years God has put me through several struggles
and has turned my world upside down. During all of this I found myself asking
this question, why.
I have a PhD in Horticulture and was happily pursuing a career as a professor
at Cal Poly University in California. Up until about three years ago I was
confident in serving God as a professor, and also in my local church as a youth
sponsor. I found such joy in building an educational program in my field, sometimes
spending 70+ hours a week at work. During this period I know God was able to
use me to guide several young lives. I remember specifically one young man
who came into my office with suicidal thoughts because he was failing his classes.
Since I do not have a psychology degree, this scared the living daylights out
of me. Yet after saying a quick prayer to God, we talked for over two hours
and God used me to show this young man that he had a purpose in his life. Through
this and other events I know that God was working through me. Yet with all
the pressures of my job I found myself wondering at times, “Why me?”
It was during this time that I experienced the greatest tribulation in my
life. God has put such a burden on my heart to work with youth. As a child
I was often the one who was bullied, and I resented bullies. Yet as I matured,
I recognized the pain and need in these youth.
I see young men and women today who are in such need of adults who will listen
and care. I began working with youth twenty years ago as a Sunday school teacher.
Over the years I found that God has provided me with gifts of teaching and
encouragement that allow me to reach the hearts of teenagers. The joy I experience
in expressing and sharing God's love with them is so wonderful. Nothing is
more satisfying and joyful than seeing the Holy Spirit use you to reach out
and change young lives.
Because of the joy I have in working with teens, it was devastating for me when I was accused of having wrong motives in my ministry. I was single during these years, and as a single male I realized the need to work in teams, and to show my affection through non-physical ways. I can honestly say that I have always had God's motives at heart when working with youth. Yet Satan still found a way to attack my ministry through idle speculation and gossip. I have no idea where the gossip began, probably with all the news articles of other church leaders and their abuse of teens. Regardless, I was asked to give up my work with the youth because there was speculation that my motives were inappropriate. To have this happen after working actively and successfully with this particular youth group for two years completely devastated me. I did not respond well. After two weeks I left that church and for six months continually asked, “Why Lord, why me?” I cannot express the gratitude I have for the saints who hid God's Scriptures in my heart. It was through recitation of these Scriptures that helped me through this time. After six months I was able to re-establish my work with teens at another church who understood the ordeal I had gone through.
As I healed from this experience, I thought that my tribulations were over for a while. Oh, was I in for a shock! The administration at Cal Poly University changed and everything I had been working on for four years was suddenly wrong. For a couple of years I tried to reorganize my educational program. Again I found myself periodically asking, “Why Lord, why me?” Most of my colleagues and administrators assured me that I had successfully completed the necessary reorganization, enough so that I would receive tenure. Yet in 2005, on the last day of the school year, I was informed that I would be fired. The devastation to my pride was tremendous, and the hurt I felt was extreme. As I read my termination letter, the items listed for termination were unjustified. During the next year I was constantly struggling with the question, “Why Lord, why me?” Yet through it all I knew that I was God's child and that He would provide.
As I tried to find new employment during the early part of 2006, I was constantly being rejected as over qualified in the field of Horticulture. I tried to find employment in serving God more directly with youth, but was rejected as being under qualified. I would often lie awake at night asking God, “Why me?”
I was first introduced to the opportunity of working here at His Way Ministries in July. Since I had no idea how I might finance myself while working here, initially I did not consider it a viable option. Yet God worked in my life so that I eventually found His direction by working part-time here and part-time teaching science at Bethel Christian Academy. The providence of God in bringing me to this opportunity is so encouraging. I find such joy in being able to provide physical assistance at Buffalo Ridge, and mental and spiritual guidance to the teens at school.
To see God’s providence in my life was wonderful! Yet I was only seeing the tip of the iceberg. When I began working at Buffalo Ridge I had no real aspirations in finding a wife. Yet each day I worked alongside Lauri, I saw in her everything that I dreamed about in a woman. Let me tell you that in 44 years of being single you develop a very specific and long list. Lauri fills each and every item on my list, with the most important being her devotion to serving our God! So on October 28, 2006 I asked her to marry me. Today I find myself in total awe of God's providence. To bring these kinds of blessings into my life is beyond anything I could have imagined. Yet God was still not done.
Between January and August of 2006 I was living with my parents in Lawrence, Kansas, helping out around the house as I looked for a job. Since my Dad was disabled, he had trouble making the necessary repairs to the house. With his guidance, we spent the spring and summer working around the house. I treasure that time because in November God took my dad to be with Him. As I write this with tears in my eyes, I cannot express how much it means to me that God brought me back to Kansas and allowed me to spend such quality time with my Dad. How can I express the love and gratitude I feel towards our God who cares this deeply for us?
I pray that my testimony brings home the need for us to persevere and know that God only has the best in mind for each of us. We need to focus our lives on God's purpose and expect only the best. This does not mean that our lives will be without tribulation, but that through tribulation Godwill build in us mighty things. Oswald Chambers expresses this so well in one of his devotionals from the book, My Utmost for His Highest:
"The first thing God does with us is to get us based on rugged Reality until we do not care what becomes of us individually as long as He gets His way for the purpose of His Redemption. Why shouldn't we go through heartbreaks? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God's purpose and die away of self-pity, and all so-called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His son and says – 'Enter into the fellowship with Me; arise and shine.' If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart."
As we contemplate God's purpose for our lives, how can we continue to wallow in self-pity? During this season as we remember God's greatest gift of His Son, we should be so thankful. The love He has for us is great! We do not deserve this love, yet it is given freely if we will but focus on Him and accept. This season join me in seeking God in praise and wonder asking Him, “Why Lord, why me?”
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